Resilience before 8am

For anyone who has ever asked me, “How do you do it all?” Prepare to have whatever image of me having it all together shattered.

Without boring you with the details, this morning went off the rails. Just one of those days where everyone is late, moody and converging in the same 10 square feet of our home at the same time.

Blame comes quickly and the dreaded, “What are the consequences for this?” question is asked (a co-parenting struggle for another post).

I try to appeal to their sense of compassion and how desperately I need them to pull more weight. Everyone leaves for school in tears, me included.

But this post isn’t about my kids needing to make their own snacks. 

It’s about me, and maybe you, learning new ways to handle a situation that feels like just. too. much.

Whether it’s kids or a partner, a boss or a colleague, as long as other humans are in our lives, breakdowns will happen. While I often speak about my role as a mother, your job is to consider what challenges are in YOUR way.

Resilience is often used in the context of major setbacks, like how we respond to loss of someone we love, a layoff, a difficult health diagnosis. What I’ve come to realize is that resilience is actually built in the small moments that matter.

When I created The Bounce Back Blueprint model a few months ago, it was after a time of major change. I tested the model myself, it worked and have since done the same with others. The response has been so receptive that I’m creating a group coaching experience, Resilience Rising, around the model. More on that to come.

But back to this morning.

One of the ways we’ve been trained to respond to a breakdown isn’t to respond at all, it’s to react. It’s the knee-jerk, often punitive, “No iPad for a week” or “I’ll never do that again.” These ‘solutions’ are usually short-sighted and unrealistic.

There is a different way and now I know how relevant it is for the little setbacks. I used it this morning. Forcing myself to go through each step of the BBB model gave me peace of mind and left me empowered to change my situation.

I’ll do a deeper dive into each step in subsequent posts but here’s the overview so you can start applying it for yourself.

I AM - Enabling my kids to have habits that both exhaust me and also don’t serve them. Out of necessity and good intention (and honestly a need for control), have babied them and it’s starting to backfire. My ‘good enough for now’ approach has me put out small fires in favor of a better longer term solution. (This is the “name it to claim it” step, learn more here.)

I FEEL - Exhausted, resentful, scattered. (Dig deep at this step, there are usually several feelings beyond mad, sad, tired.)

I RECOGNIZE - I’ve been here before multiple times. The pattern is something goes haywire, I lose my s#$% (keepin’ it real, people), we all cry, I say we’re setting new rules, I don’t stick to them. Wash, rinse, repeat. (Telling the truth about our patterns is hard but essential.)

I COULD - Instill penalties or consequences for their behavior, set new schedules, assign new chores, tap into their intrinsic motivation, incentivize behavior change with rewards of some sort, ask for their input, quit doing everything and see what happens, do nothing and leave it status quo.

**This is where the magic happens. Allowing myself to truly brainstorm ideas for action, including doing nothing, always surfaces a solution that just feels right.

I WILL - Schedule a family meeting this weekend and explain the idea of ‘paying our future self’. Discuss how they want to feel at the start of each day and identify the habits that would have to be built to have that happen. Agree on ONE new habit which will be setting aside 20 minutes before bed each night to choose clothes, set backpacks by the door and make snacks for the next day.

This whole process took about 12 minutes while I was walking the dog (reminder: add walking the dog to the kids chore list!). Small setbacks provide an opportunity for lasting change and it doesn’t have to be a complicated or weeks-long project.

The answers are in us when we slow down, recognize how we feel, own our patters and expand the possibilities BEFORE we take action.

I’ve always been a believer in walking the talk so I will continue to share the big and small ways I’m applying this model. I’d love to hear yours.