Quit or Commit?

At least half of my coaching client engagements and, “Can I run something by you?” calls start in the same place. Person is in a situation that feels untenable and they are considering quitting. It could be their job, a relationship, a volunteer activity, a friendship. They are looking for advice to follow-through on their intuition or stick it out.

First of all, I’ll never give that advice. The decision to stay or go isn’t mine to make. What I can do, however, is offer some objective observations.

Having been recommended the book, “Quit: The Power or Knowing When to Walk Away” by Annie Duke, I’ve recently immersed myself in the studies behind the reasons we struggle so much with quitting. It all feels integral to the work of building resilience.

I have a funny relationship with quitting. Growing up, I didn’t really quit anything. I believe it was a combination of not wanting to disappoint other people, and honestly, not trying many new things so I didn’t have much to quit. Staying in my comfort zone was a recipe for being able to stick to something. “You’re such a quitter!” was a common refrain on the playground in the 80s but it was never directed at me.

As an adult, I’ve made some pretty significant decisions to quit. Several came months or years later than they probably should have, but hindsight is always 20/20, isn’t it?

Fundamental to the exploration of quitting is our willingness to transform seeing it as a negative thing. It’s easy to see looking back that all of my quit decisions were right because they ultimately led me where I am now. But in the moment? Quitting often feels synonymous with failing.

Knowing when to quit is as important as what to quit. This is such a key concept because every time we say ‘yes’ to one thing, we’re saying ‘no’ to another. Time is finite so we must be critical about where we spend it.

• Staying in that job that’s sucking the life out of you is keeping you from exploring a new passion.

• Holding onto a closet full of memorabilia is crowding your ability to create a space that inspires you.

• Putting up with a lonely relationship is keeping you from experiencing deep connection.

At a high-level, it’s easy to agree with the statements above. Yet, the rubber meets the road when it comes to tackling our own decisions.

Here are some indicators that you might be avoiding thinking critically about your situation:

Sunk-cost fallacy - “I’ve already invested so much time, I can’t quit now.”

The sunk-cost fallacy is the tendency for individuals to continue investing resources (such as time, money, or effort) into a decision or activity solely because they have already invested a significant amount, even when it no longer makes sense to do so. Essentially, it involves letting past investments influence present decisions, often leading to irrational behavior and further losses.

Cognitive dissonance - “I didn’t know that before, it can’t be true.”

Cognitive dissonance in decision-making occurs when individuals experience psychological discomfort due to conflicting beliefs or actions, such as wanting to quit but feeling committed to a particular course of action. This discomfort often leads individuals to rationalize their choices or avoid quitting, even when it may be the most rational decision.

Endowment bias - “It’s been in my family for years, I can’t just give it away.” 

Endowment bias in the context of quitting refers to the tendency for individuals to overvalue what they already possess, leading them to be reluctant to quit even when it may be beneficial.

Escalation of commitment - “I know it’s risky to keep going but I have to get back what I’ve put in.”

Escalation of commitment in quitting occurs when individuals continue to invest resources (such as time, money, or effort) into a failing course of action despite negative outcomes, often due to a desire to justify past investments. This leads individuals to persist with a failing endeavor rather than cutting their losses and quitting, resulting in further investment of resources with diminishing returns.

Identity bias - “That’s just who I am.” 

Identity bias in quitting refers to individuals' reluctance to quit a particular endeavor because it conflicts with their perceived identity or self-image. This bias can lead people to persist in activities that are no longer serving them well, as quitting may challenge their sense of identity or competence.

What can we do instead? I propose we look at our decisions with VIGOR (def: robustness, strength or intensity)

V - values alignment. Is your current situation aligned with your core values?

I - inspiration. Are you finding joy, inspiration and happiness with the way things are?

G - growth. In any given moment, we’re growing or dying. Which is it?

O - optimism. Looking ahead, are you optimistic that things will turn out?

R - rejuvenation. To what extent is your wellbeing impacted by your situation?

Looking at resilience-building through the lens of knowing what, when and how to quit is giving me a fresh look at many aspects of my life. I hope you find the same.