Blockbuster on a Friday night

No doubt every generation of parents thinks they have it harder that the ones before. Truly, the hardships of a great depression, recession and lack of basic human rights don’t compare to the current struggle of fighting over a 3x5 inch screen.

Yet, comparative suffering leaves us no where. I can respect and wonder at hardships I’ll hopefully never know while still being overwhelmed by my own. Those two things can co-exist.

I was listening to an incredible conversation with Dr. Becky on The Huberman Lab podcast and it brought to mind what resilience-building looked like for my generation (hello, GenX!) compared to the kids I’m raising.

In our fast-paced, on-demand lifestyle, our kids, and for that matter all of us, have few opportunities to be disappointed.

Here’s an example. Remember walking into Blockbuster on a Friday night? You’d have a movie in mind, probably a new release like the rest of the town, and spot the box on the shelf. You’d go over and look behind it, only to discover it was already gone. No VHS to be found.

While it might seem like such a trivial moment, it’s a great example of how we built resilience. We had to move onto the next best thing. (We’ll save the topic of late fees for another post!) Skyrocketing divorce rates, multiple recessions, a financial crisis and the onset of the internet were all the real-world training ground for facing setbacks. Imagine how many times that dreaded AOL dial-up connection sound screeched to the point that we gave up and went back to our analog ways?!

Fast-forward to today. As much as I’ve tried to explain the concept of hoping your favorite song would make it into the Top 6 at 6 Countdown so you could hear it, my kids simply open one of many apps, or yell at the kitchen Alexa, to hear what they want, in any version they want it, anytime their little hearts desire.

When they don’t make it onto a team or into a play, no fear because there are a dozen other options available. But my point here is that this isn’t about our kids. It’s about us.

Whether you’re a caretaker or not, you’re caught up in the same on-demand world as the rest of us. For every convenience we enjoy, our resilience muscle is getting weaker. We avoid discomfort at any cost. We have become less tolerant of setbacks and look for the fastest way possible to get things back to ‘normal’.

So, what is there to do?

• Create opportunities for frustration. Think travel, new experiences, learning a new language, reading a book in a new genre, navigating somewhere with a map instead of a gps.

• Allow space and time for disappointment. Pause when you’re tempted to quickly move on, withhold the motivational speech when someone is sad, validate your feelings and those of others…be in the suck.

• Go analog more often. Minimize the conveniences of life, delay looking up the answer to something the moment it pops in your head over giving yourself time to ponder, write vs. type, call vs. text (bonus points if you make the call while sitting in one place as though your phone is attached to a wall.)

I’m going to work on this today as my daughter got some disappointing news. It’s not the time to swoop in with new solutions or positive encouragement, it’s just the time for being disappointed.

Then, when she’s ready, we’ll take that step forward together.